I think I may be an awful human being. I put up a good show, but really I'm just terrible. I am unsure if this is a more recent development or if it's been the case for years and I just didn't realize it. Now, I'm not going out and strangling kittens and what have you. I'm not into that. I'm awful in that I...I don't know how to phrase these things. I don't care. There it is! I feel increasingly numb.

Let's start with a biggy: my relationship with God. I go to church every week. I read my scriptures at least two times a week (it's something!) and I pray pretty much daily. I'm generally doing okay. But I know there are areas in my life that I need to change. I know these changes would make me happier/better/kinder/etc. but I can't seem to summon the energy. I just feel so neutral about it all. Sometimes I find myself questioning it all. That's scary and shameful to admit. I've been in this state for quite some time, too. Ugh.

I know my patterns. I go through waves of rebellion and righteousness, just like all the people in the Book of Mormon. Just like all man. I don't see myself as a strong-willed person and I give into temptation easily. I am easily swayed by the reasoning of the natural man. I battle it as best as I can but it takes a toll on me. I think that's what I'm going through right now. I've been in this depression as I resist my own yin. I belittle myself for having this darkness, these temptations and weaknesses, though without them I could not have light and strength; yang.

Maybe I should credit myself for standing what little ground I have stood. Maybe from this little rock I can begin to build a mountain. I have gone through this process before. I will likely go through it again and again. Though I question God now, I am grateful for His grace. Though I have fallen, He will allow me to return again, no matter how long it takes me.

I'm scared to do the work. I'm kind of a horrible person.

Hey family, I miss you all a lot. Just thought I would let you know.

Let's do this.

Sorry this blog isn't really insightful, or full of pictures of food, or anything really of great importance. It's a good outlet for me though so deal with it.

Here are some things I want to accomplish in this 23rd year of life.
-Graduate Pima with flying colors
-Run a 25 minute 5k
-Do some pull ups (this has been a goal for like, the past three years. It will happen!)
-Go somewhere tropical/warm with my mom after graduation
-Stop binging once and for all, or at least drastically reduce their incidence
-Transition more fully into the primal lifestyle--real foods, play, healthy habits
-Be more upfront and open about my feelings, rather than bottling them up
-Be more charitable, loving, and thoughtful to all those I encounter
-Read the BOM, attend the temple at least six times, magnify my calling and love it

Here we goooooo!

Things I did when I was 22...

It's my birthday on Sunday, guys. It's been a good year. I've had to grow a lot, which is not always the most fun, but I feel like it's definitely been for the better. Devon and I have settled into married life and are pretty much pros at it now. Just kidding. We're still working and growing and learning every day. It's a challenge, sure, but it's the best challenge I've ever taken on. I love my Devy Dev more than ever.

 All right, all right. Without further ado, here are the other things I've been up to this past year:
-Went skiing at Mt. Bachelor. Twice. It was magical.
-Started a PTA program at Pima, worked with my first CVA patient, got A's, made friends that like to talk about squatting just as much as I do
-Lost 12 pounds. Another 10 to go! You'll hear more about that soon, I think.
-Walked/ran around Greenlake probably a hundred times.
-Learned how to make my moms famous English toffee. Also roasted pumpkin seeds for the first time ever.
-Celebrated one year of marriage with Snoqualmie adventures, ice cream, movies, and Tutta Bella.
-Became a zoo member.
-Beat Devon and Jordan in a game of Jenga.
-Finally figured out how to tame my eyebrows. This is a really big deal.
-Continued to fail at convincing Devon we need a dog.

And that's about all that I can think of. I also watched a lot of Netflix and went on a lot of morning walks. Livin' the dream over here! So here's to another year! Hope it's full of laughter, fun, learning, accomplishments, growth, and love.

Things I've been into lately

Changing seasons always makes me stupid giddy. Especially fall. I love the fall. I always try and celebrate on the first day of fall (make pumpkin cookies, get hot chocolate, go for a long bike ride on the Burke, etc.) but it usually ends up not as planned. One year it was 90* out. I was so determined to wear my favorite sweater though, I basically died of heat exhaustion. Then another year my bike completely fell apart on me. New tires, new chain rings, lots of money. But I still love it. I still plan on celebrating and welcoming the season. Because I love it.

So here are some other things I'm loving right now:
-Friday Night Lights (the TV show)
-Long morning walks
-Lab time at school
-Scripture study with Dev
-New pajama pants
-and of course, paleo eats

That's basically my life right now. I'm digging it.

Comparison and Goals

I follow a decent number of fitness and food blogs/IGs. They have always been an interest to me and I openly admit to my obsession. I can't tell if it's a good or bad thing.

See, in the fitness world, it is super easy to compare yourself to everyone else. I can't go to the gym without silently critiquing or envying someone. I hate this aspect. I hate that my first response to something is criticism. What is that about?! I mean, let's be real. I am no where near model-status. I have never even caught a glimpse of my abs and considering that I had a quesadilla for dinner, I likely never will. And I'm okay with that! (Mostly) So why do I spend my time judging other people? I don't want them to judge me. I already do enough of that.

So this is my goal: stop critiquing. Be nicer to others and myself. I'm so sick of always beating myself up and hating my body. It's exhausting. Of course that doesn't mean I won't continue to work on changing it. I just need to be better at remembering to love it now for where it is. My body allows me to do some pretty incredible things and I should be thanking God more for that. And remember that everyone's bodies are gifts too. We're all human, just doin' the best we can. We could all use a little more love.

And on that note, here are some more of my fitness/health goals:
-Lose ~20lbs by birthday at the end of October
-Run a half-marathon in 2 hours
-Commit more fully to paleo (and get the hubs on board)
-Stop mindless eating
-Enjoy things more

I complain so much.

Just a warning, I'm feeling rambly and a little mentally incontinent. Two midterms, a test, and a competency exam this (shortened) week. I know some people out there are champion students. They can study for hours on end, making amazing color-coded study guides, flash cards, and rhymes. I am not one of those students. I throw hissy fits, take breaks approximately every five minutes and complain about it the entire time. Don't get me wrong---I love my program and I love learning. I just really suck at studying. It doesn't help that it's like, 85 degrees in the house right now and I haven't had a decent night sleep in days. I'm a little less than stellar.

I'm not excited about Devon leaving for Chicago again on Thursday. Half of July, he's with his mistress. It's dumb. But also I'm really proud of him for the hard work he does and at least I don't have to share the fans with him while he's gone.

I don't know how to handle life without an air conditioner.