Saturday, January 4, 2014
I think I may be an awful human being. I put up a good show, but really I'm just terrible. I am unsure if this is a more recent development or if it's been the case for years and I just didn't realize it. Now, I'm not going out and strangling kittens and what have you. I'm not into that. I'm awful in that I...I don't know how to phrase these things. I don't care. There it is! I feel increasingly numb.
Let's start with a biggy: my relationship with God. I go to church every week. I read my scriptures at least two times a week (it's something!) and I pray pretty much daily. I'm generally doing okay. But I know there are areas in my life that I need to change. I know these changes would make me happier/better/kinder/etc. but I can't seem to summon the energy. I just feel so neutral about it all. Sometimes I find myself questioning it all. That's scary and shameful to admit. I've been in this state for quite some time, too. Ugh.
I know my patterns. I go through waves of rebellion and righteousness, just like all the people in the Book of Mormon. Just like all man. I don't see myself as a strong-willed person and I give into temptation easily. I am easily swayed by the reasoning of the natural man. I battle it as best as I can but it takes a toll on me. I think that's what I'm going through right now. I've been in this depression as I resist my own yin. I belittle myself for having this darkness, these temptations and weaknesses, though without them I could not have light and strength; yang.
Maybe I should credit myself for standing what little ground I have stood. Maybe from this little rock I can begin to build a mountain. I have gone through this process before. I will likely go through it again and again. Though I question God now, I am grateful for His grace. Though I have fallen, He will allow me to return again, no matter how long it takes me.
I'm scared to do the work. I'm kind of a horrible person.
Let's start with a biggy: my relationship with God. I go to church every week. I read my scriptures at least two times a week (it's something!) and I pray pretty much daily. I'm generally doing okay. But I know there are areas in my life that I need to change. I know these changes would make me happier/better/kinder/etc. but I can't seem to summon the energy. I just feel so neutral about it all. Sometimes I find myself questioning it all. That's scary and shameful to admit. I've been in this state for quite some time, too. Ugh.
I know my patterns. I go through waves of rebellion and righteousness, just like all the people in the Book of Mormon. Just like all man. I don't see myself as a strong-willed person and I give into temptation easily. I am easily swayed by the reasoning of the natural man. I battle it as best as I can but it takes a toll on me. I think that's what I'm going through right now. I've been in this depression as I resist my own yin. I belittle myself for having this darkness, these temptations and weaknesses, though without them I could not have light and strength; yang.
Maybe I should credit myself for standing what little ground I have stood. Maybe from this little rock I can begin to build a mountain. I have gone through this process before. I will likely go through it again and again. Though I question God now, I am grateful for His grace. Though I have fallen, He will allow me to return again, no matter how long it takes me.
I'm scared to do the work. I'm kind of a horrible person.
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