Equal Contributions

Oh, hello! How are you? What is exciting in your life? Or maybe more relevant, what is mundane and commonplace in your life? Sometimes I feel like such a bum when I update people on our going ons. School, Netflix, awkward encounters with our ward's missionaries. That's about it! Did I tell you we were released from our calling as primary teachers? Now we're ward missionaries. I miss the kids. Our full-time missionaries are weird. And they like to schedule appointments with you to keep themselves busy. Ah, the gospel.

School is chugging along. For me, at least. While the light at the end of my tunnel is getting closer, it seems like Devon's is just getting further away. Did you know PhD programs take a lot of time and work? I am so proud of him. I am so ready to be done with my program so I can start contributing more. So often I feel guilty for not working while I go to school. I pick up appointments where I can, but it's nothing major. I try and do extra chores, make fancy meals, and give neck rubs to make up for it. I feel like I am just always spending money! I guess that's how it is going to be for a little while longer though. We knew it would be a sacrifice for me to go through this program. We sacrificed so I could fulfill my dream. With any luck, it will all pay off.

Every so often I look at PTA job postings in the area. Today I found one for a company downtown that works with children. I wanted to apply so badly. Hopefully I'll be taking my exam in July, graduating in August, and working before September. That's what I'm praying for. I can't stand not contributing for much longer. My husband does so much to support me and I desperately want to repay him.

Looking over other blog entries--I write too many lists. I blame it on my dad. He gave me a book called 'The Checklist Manifesto' and boy-howdy, did I devour that thing. Love me some good lists.

I think I may be an awful human being. I put up a good show, but really I'm just terrible. I am unsure if this is a more recent development or if it's been the case for years and I just didn't realize it. Now, I'm not going out and strangling kittens and what have you. I'm not into that. I'm awful in that I...I don't know how to phrase these things. I don't care. There it is! I feel increasingly numb.

Let's start with a biggy: my relationship with God. I go to church every week. I read my scriptures at least two times a week (it's something!) and I pray pretty much daily. I'm generally doing okay. But I know there are areas in my life that I need to change. I know these changes would make me happier/better/kinder/etc. but I can't seem to summon the energy. I just feel so neutral about it all. Sometimes I find myself questioning it all. That's scary and shameful to admit. I've been in this state for quite some time, too. Ugh.

I know my patterns. I go through waves of rebellion and righteousness, just like all the people in the Book of Mormon. Just like all man. I don't see myself as a strong-willed person and I give into temptation easily. I am easily swayed by the reasoning of the natural man. I battle it as best as I can but it takes a toll on me. I think that's what I'm going through right now. I've been in this depression as I resist my own yin. I belittle myself for having this darkness, these temptations and weaknesses, though without them I could not have light and strength; yang.

Maybe I should credit myself for standing what little ground I have stood. Maybe from this little rock I can begin to build a mountain. I have gone through this process before. I will likely go through it again and again. Though I question God now, I am grateful for His grace. Though I have fallen, He will allow me to return again, no matter how long it takes me.

I'm scared to do the work. I'm kind of a horrible person.